Monthly Archives: February 2014

I Could Have Danced All Night

I watched Davis and White in their Olympic short program for ice dancing skate to “I Could Have Danced All Night.” I loved their performance, and I was caught up in the music. I still find myself humming it.

It reminded me of how I have been feeling lately: free and discovering new things about me and my life. I’ve gone to life’s dance, and I’m having such a good time just letting loose and enjoying being me.

It’s how I’ve been feeling, as my Asperger’s diagnosis becomes more a part of me. I’m realizing how much fear has been a part of my life. I’ve lived every day with fear that I would do or say something wrong, that would reveal to the world that I am deeply flawed, and a fraud at all that I do. So everything had to be cautious and guarded.

Now … I am realizing I am a real person just as I am! I have lots of things to improve in myself, but even when I make mistakes, I am a full human being who is OK just as I am.

So, I can let loose on the dance floor … and glide to the music … celebrating being me being alive in the world today.

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I Am

I am. I really am. I exist. There is a “me.” Wow! That reality is sinking in now. I was out walking my little dogs the other day, and I just stopped to soak in life. The crunchy snow under my boots, the sun starting to set in the Western sky, a twig on the ground. My little dog sticking her face in the snow, then looking at me with a twinkle in her eye and snow on her nose, and running down the lane for me to chase her.

It is life. Simple, ordinary life. But never really mine before my diagnosis. There was something inside me I had to hide from the world, and I never felt totally “here.”   My shield of armor was in the world, and the real “me” was buried so deeply that I had forgotten where she was.

Now, I don’t need to hide. I have unlocked the door of the cage, and let my soul out to romp. The world is not frightening like I thought it was. It is glowing and vibrant and exciting.

Now that I’m not in hiding I can experience the world. And the “me” that lives in the world.

I am!

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LOVE, NOT FEAR

This posting is part of the Flashblog presented by “Boycott Autism Speaks.”

LOVE; NOT FEAR

Feb. 14, 2014

 Five Months; nine days; and counting.

 September 5, 2013.  The day I got my diagnosis of Asperger’s.  I had been suspecting it for a while, of course, and had seen a neuropsychologist for testing.  At 66 years old, I had been shocked to start figuring out I was an Aspie.   I wasn’t sure how the official diagnosis would feel.

 On Sept. 5th, I went to the office of the neuro-psychologist to get my diagnosis.  When she said, “You definitely have Asperger’s,” a weight was lifted from my shoulders.  66 years of weight.

 I thought, “Oh, my God – that explains EVERYTHING about me that I didn’t understand.  EVERYTHING.”

 In these five plus month, the weights have continued to fall off.

 I no longer go through my day in fear, thinking “What will I do wrong today?  What mistake will I make?  How will I mess up my life?”  I’m no longer living each day holding my breath in fear.

 I had always been sure that there was something deeply flawed about me, and I had tried to keep the world from finding out that I was a fraud in my work and my life.  I lived in fear, and didn’t like myself much.

 Five months and nine days ago changed everything.   Each day, a little bit more of my shield of fear melts away, allowing the real me out into the world.  Every day, I love myself a little more – the REAL me, deep inside, that I always kept locked away.

 I don’t have to be afraid of the inner me, or of the world around me.  I can love myself, love my life, and love being alive in the world!  And love all the gifts that come with being an Aspie!

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